ODD mom moments

I generally prefer, when I write, to be able to look back, reflect, and find the meaning in life’s situations. It’s easier to see patterns. I am more apt to see God’s hand in my life. It was inevitable that eventually I would catch up with the current day. Here we are. It’s today. And it is tough. 

Even before Covid-19 forced us to stay home, Aurora was in a rough patch. Well, all of us, I guess. When she is struggling, the whole family struggles. Unlike the past times I’ve written, I have no conclusion. My words of wisdom are meaningless without the future perspective I need to be able to tie things together. We are in the mess of it. And messy it is.

This week I felt very strongly that I needed to learn for myself how to better employ principles of mindfulness and meditation in my life, so that I can teach them to Aurora. This is VERY much not my “thing”. I recently was talking to a friend of my sister who is a yoga instructor. I asked her, “So, for someone like me, why should I do yoga?” 

“What do you mean? Yoga is good for everyone,” she responded.

“What I mean to ask is, is yoga essential?”

“Many people find it helps with depression. Some people find that it brings them peace. Others have a spiritual connection when they do yoga.”

“So if I’m happy, at peace, and find spiritual fulfillment in other ways, why do I need yoga?”

She seemed taken aback.

“I guess for you it would just be a nice thing, but maybe not a life changer.”

I smiled, pretty certain that I had made my point. Yoga is nice, but not really for me.

Fast forward to this last week. I felt almost bowled over by this idea, outside my normal thoughts, that I needed to learn what this whole meditation thing is. And I needed to start doing yoga with Aurora. Now. 

I ordered a book for myself to read. I ordered a coping workbook for Aurora filled with breathing techniques. I know they probably don’t count as “essential” items according to Amazon. Nonetheless, the Amazon fairies made them  appear upon my doorstep a few days later. 

Minor miracle. 

I spoke with my mom and was able to borrow a few yoga DVDs. And thus we entered week one of learning mindfulness, yoga, and meditation. We have nowhere else to go during a stay at home order. What a perfect time to learn something new!

I helped Aurora choose one breathing technique to work on for this first week. She chose one where you breathe while drawing a shape with your finger. I know she understood at least partially because I caught her teaching her youngest brother this morning. “Close your eyes. Now draw an eight in the air. Breathe in on the first part. Now breathe out.”

A very angry Xander just glared at Aurora.

“I am not doing that.”

In all fairness, she was the cause of his anger in the first place. It’s hard to blame him for not wanting to learn calming techniques from the source of his frustration. 

We came up with a code word. The idea is that when she is becoming overly frustrated or angry, I can mention the code word. Then she closes her eyes and calms herself.

Despite the fact that she understands how to breathe and why, so far all of this has been a complete failure. Oh, I am for sure not just writing it off. I know things can really take time to fully develop. I know this will take lots of practice. But so far, not much change. In fact, we have had an especially difficult week. 

Aurora has been sleeping in very late, staying up very late, struggling to focus AT ALL, and yelling at everyone at the slightest provocation. The biggest problem, I believe, is that her sources of frustration are still present even after she calms herself. She gets frustrated over a grammar problem and calms herself, but that grammar problem is still there. She can put it off for a later time when maybe she is more amenable to grammar. However, lately that time never seems to arrive. 

Or maybe I am her source of frustration. And here I am trying to calm her. Ha! Like I said, it is hard to be calmed by the source of your frustration. It has to come from inside you. She has to figure this out.

I’m not sure what kind of experiences the next few weeks will bring. Maybe this whole trial will turn out to be one of those things that I will look back and say, “Yeah, that really did work well. It was a rough start, but we got through it.” Or maybe it’ll be the opposite. That’s the point I’m trying to make. Sometimes you just have to jump in, try something, and hope for the best.

So wish us luck. We will let you know how it goes.